Present & Volatile

1/18/2024
How can I be here, now
when I can't get my mind off of then, when
all that I am is sitting in this chair
my legacy hinges on my next move
my ability to perform under pressure
I can handle the pressure in the moment
it's when I get home to relax, unwind
that the stress and strain buried under my skin
explodes, erupts, sends my emotions flying
every which way, out of control
my body races to hide, anywhere, out of the way
out of sight, out of mind
where I can't be seen, heard, found
I'm letting down all those who rely on me
to be present, helpful, loving, caring
how can I be those things when I'm not around
am I really better off hiding
or is it better to be a volatile liability
ever-present, ever-on-edge
I want to be here, now, present and engaged
I'm here, but in a perpetual state of chaos