Dear Old Friend

3/20/2019
dear old friend
we meet again
the blade
the spade
let's dig in
find the perfect
spot to begin
don't be shy
carve up sin
I need to see
red drops bleed
prove I'm alive
even if contrived
the blade
the spade
won't deprive
won't deny
what I feel inside
the pain
my bane
myself to blame
so much shame
so far from sane
I won't pretend
can't defend
my actions are mine
they've always been
what's to gain
from piercing pain
only what will
blood-red stain
rain won't wash
the stain away
the pain away
it's here to stay
today and every
other day
no way to evade
or persuade
the blade to yield
the scars to fade
i don't want
the scars to fade
i crave remembrance
of every cut made
each tells a story
unafraid
of the pain
the shame
the endless blame
the losing game
that keeps me
from sane
i drive all night
no end in sight
going nowhere
losing this fight
with all my might
i seek the light
but find only dark
no hope no spark
i park the car
a respite star
way too far
to ever reach
but when i reach
bloods drip down
my arm to the ground
where it pools and dries
dries and cries
my swollen eyes
which bleed with regret
while my ego dies
to no one's surprise
promises were lies
the cuts i carved
my last place prize
no compromise
for what i've done
where i've been
if this is where
my story ends
let the truth bend
maybe then
others won't descend
into the hell
i found myself in
maybe then
their strength will fend off
demons that tortured
my mind 'til the end